You know you play too much UT when...

you stub your toe in the middle of the night and yell "Medic"

your in the bedroom with your partner and say "You like that". Actually you may have used this line before UT. "Boom Baby" also works in this instance although I don't believe I've used that one.

you have dreams of Mahatma spanking you.

you see footage of a nuclear explosion and all you can think is M M M M MONSTER KILL!

you call in sick to work because you've sprained your thumb using your logitec trackball to Hide and Guide too much. This usually turns into an extended weekend due to the fact that you have to call in more then one day because your home playing UT instead of resting that tired trigger finger.

your sitting home typing up "You know you play too much UT" lists on a UT forum.

Your cleaning your gutters and wish you had your translocator to get up on the roof.

You wake up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking and wish you had a Keg O'Health

When talking to friends about other games you finish the conversation with the phrase "It's not as good as Unreal."

You actually think of getting a tattoo of your UT skin.(Full Body)

Your buddy on the bar stool next to you passes out and you yell "Man Down!"

when your mate is nagging you and you think to yourself, " If I had my translocator I could telefrag his/her ass from here."

when you refer to your bedroom exploits as "Hide-N-Guide"

when you feel more comfortable squished into a dark corner then out in the middle of a large room.

when you go to a large metropolitan area and think to yourself "I know I'm surrounded by newbs."

You know that you play too much UT when you go out to the country and pass fields full of cows all you can think of is Schwantz or Deadsun.

When you post a sign outside of your half-bath in the basement that says "My House!"

when you finish writing a list like that and break down and cry over all the lost hours you could have been playing UT.

you answer all questions in real life with "Roger that."

you spend more time with, and may be closer to, your online buddies.

you think of yourself as a female character.

you think everyone could really be Vette in disguise.

you think Vette could be DeathInc in disguise.

you think Bo could be Vette or DeathInc in disguise.

you ask people if they might be LC, as if Lara Croft didn't stop playing Redeemers 2 years ago.

when you consider a profession in Redeemer publications and websites

when you want your original UT nickname back, and it is "Nameless."

when you have nightmares that take place on Crane and Dark City.

when you have definite pictures in your mind of all the real people you have never seen who play UT with you.

in the throes of love-making, you scream out "Oh Yeah!" exactly the way Jarg says it.

You want to put a computer in each room of the House so you won't miss anything..... and yes ..... a laptop for the bathroom would be nice.

you start looking at women and thinking...........hmmmmmm.... she's almost as cute as the Girl Characters in UT.

Blond Hottie:
the first thing you do is chech to see who is playing the second you sit at the computer

the second thing you do is read the forum to see what everyone is up too

playing ball with your kids and you get hit and scream i need some back up

you tell your better half Eat THAT

you start doing flips when you hear a noise behind you

Bengali Punk:
You are the doctor and you tell your patients to "SIT DOWN" and you think to yourself ...."AND STAY DOWN"

you go down the rice isle and overlook all the cheaper 10lb bags of rice to opt for the 1/2lb bag of MAHATMA rice for the same price.

you watch the Scifi channel and think "HEY THEY SPELLED THAT WRONG!!!"

you are speaking in public to your family (who know the characters on SRA) about your friends...Skank and Schwantz, and wonder WHY people are staring.

you go to a rock concert and the lead singer says "LET'S ROCK" and you start looking around for MAHATMA and your redeemer.

you don't think that a "LOOP OF POOP" is a freakish new form of relieving yourself and decide to see a DR of proctology.

You keep saying "One more game" until the sun comes up.

You know every level by heart, including the "sweet spots."

You actually start winning

Nameless Entity:
You've gotten so used to associating Female Voice 1 with Mahatma, that you're startled when anyone else uses it.

when you're sitting in a large building, and you see some big fat girders you could easily walk on up near the ceiling, and you realize you want to get up there and look around to see what you can find. (really happened!)

You have to close the window to the computer room on a hot summers night so that the new neighbours won't hear you swearing as you go into yet another loop of poop.

The sounds of fireworks off in the distance make you want to go home and play some UT.


all your keys are covered in dust but the ones you use for moving.
in your dreams u realise u control urself with w,a,s,d and a mouse.

you totally ignore an online fried on aol/msn/yahoo messenger, when they refuse to re download the bonus packs the deleted by "accident"

AS soon as you meet someone online or in real life one of the first things you ask is "do u play unreal t?"

You start asking ur mum to "just look at that", "you like that?!" hile playing the game

If anyone stands within a metre of you, you proptly scream "get out of here leasve me alone im bust arghhh u gonne m ake me frag myself" while not taking your hadns of the eybaord or eyes of the screen*

you seriously consider making unreal weapons out of olod bits of cardbaord and cereal boxes to run aroudn the house fragging your parents and sister ebcoz they are such noobs*

instead of laughin in real life u say lol - prononced lol as in lol-ly pop.*

you decide to create your own clan and practically cry when no one will join*

everytime you here a noize in your house you think quick wheres my sniper rifle!*

everytime your wife says something to you, you yell back to her "Got it!"

everytime you win at anything at all you scream "MY House".

Every time someone dies in a movie you hear the announcer saying "head shot", or "monster kill".

Every where you go you think to yourself, "That would be a great sniper position."

People throw themselves off a ledge rather than go against you're enforcer.

You fall asleep at your computer and wake up with 30 frags doing the hump.

The other teams flag is shooting at you too.

At work you tell your boss "I've got your back"

People on the street feign dead in front of you.

You smell like the box UT came in.

Your mom makes you cookies shaped like UT characters.

Got arrested for climbing the flag pole at your local post office.

Always find yourself engaging according to operational parameters.

The cables for your monitor, keyboard and mouse reach all the way to the bathroom..

You have erotic dreams of Nakita in her tight little battle dress...

You re-live your latest matches in your dreams, and then wake up behind your monitor only to discover you WERE actually playing UT as you slept...

You still hang around at this forum at six a.m. even when EVERYBODY has gone to bed...

You drive through town, thinking how cool it would be if someone made an exact replica of it for UT...

You discover that standing still is no longer a part of your primary functions...

You seriously consider "Headshot" as an appropriate name for your little boy...

You suddenly realize that all of the above reasons are based on actual experiences...

You strafe around corners everywhere you go.

You walk several steps backward after you sneeze, 'cuz u know that green stuff's gonna explode!

You just walk over things instead of bending over to pick them up.

Your wife and kids left u at some point, but you're not exactly sure when...

You are afraid to look out the window, because of snipers.

You have an almost irresistable urge to steal the flag from McDonald's.

You talked my boss into buying UT, and insisted that he use the Xan mesh.

When u need to get into the attic, u catch yourself looking for the Translocator instead of the stepladder.

You reach for your Enforcer and dodge forward out of bed as soon as u "respawn" in the morning

You burn the music from your favorite maps onto a CD and play it at work to make the withdrawal less painful.

You can frag anybody/bot with the enforcer.

You try to buy a Rocket Launcher on Ebay.

You are reading this list.

Planet Unreal is your start page.

You know Cliffy B's home adress and have never met him before.

Everywhere you go you constantly jump and zig-zag.

You only date girls whose name is Nikita.

If u see ANY flag, uget to urge to snatch it, run home like hell and shout "cover me"

Nobody calls you by your real name anymore.

You start to wear actual UT clothing.

You don't have friends anymore

You go to bed with yourkeyboard as a pillow (ehh actually u don't go to bed, u sleep on your desk)

You buy a cell phone only because people can no longer reach you due to marathon UT sessions online.

Your roommate buys a cell phone only because of your marathon UT sessions online. (And what's sad, is that these are true)

The beginning of every conversation you have with your roommate is "Hey, watch me kill this guy...."

You no longer get up to go to the bathroom. (And that doesn't mean you've stopped going, either)

Your pressure your fiance to include your UT nickname as part of her married name. "What's wrong with Sarah Michaels-Fragmeister? Oh, c'mon, you're just being silly...why don't you care about the things I care about...?"

You are willing to forgo watching The Simpsons to play UT.

Playing UT is starting to interfere with how much time you can spend in bars.

You've removed cherished pornography from your hard drive to do a "full install" to squeeze out the few extra FPS.

You actually buy copies of the game for friends so you can frag them online.

You actually buy new PCs for friends, so you can buy them the game, so you can frag them online.

Sex? Just two more flag runs, and after I frag this $@#%! sniper that keeps nailing me...

You dress in either all blue or all red (and when you see an innocent bystander in the opposite colour you yell "incoming")

You shoot bottle rockets, u try to "lock on" to birds.

You find myself "dodging" in gym class, only to crush the gym teacher.

You get up at 5:30 every morning to play an hour of UT before school (the night before, u usually play 'till 12:00.)

The next day, when u fall asleep in school, u dream of UT.

When someone is talking ****, u say "I am the Alpha and the Omega!", and they say "Huh?"

You say "Roger" instead of "yes".

You search for secret doors in your closet, hoping to find a shield belt.

You pretend to carry an impact hammer, and every time you bump into someone, you make a "booomphhhhh" sound with your mouth.

You do something -- anything -- five times in a row and then yell, "Killing Spree!"

You walk up and down your street, looking to use your ASMD Combo on anything that moves.

You practice circle strafing in your living room.

You complete UT you cut out the trophy on the front of your box and put it in a display cabinet.

You get lag in real life.

You only speak in UT taunts.

You start strafing around doors and corners in own house.

You try throwing CDs at someones neck to try and get a headshot.

Every 15 minutes or so your vision goes blue and the word LOADING appears in front of you.

You're disappointed when you put your belt on in the morning and it doesn't give you a strange gold electric glow.

You're disappointed when you put your trainers on and they don't let you jump 30 foot in the air.

You break into a state of chronic depression when you find that UT keeps crashing!

You wonder if you can find strange white barrels with blue fluid in to make you twice as healthy!

You find you look ugly so you try to change your skin.

You fall off a building and think if you write 'Ghost' or 'God' on a piece of paper everything will be fine.

You try to turn Autotaunts on in real life so you can speak automatically.

Every other game in your collection becomes obselete.

You constantly hear UT music playing in your mind.

You find the UT HUD has burnt into your monitor screen.

You walk true a building you say to yourself: Hmm this would be a great DM level.

You attach a sniper scope to your sunglasses so you can practice your aim outside. (if you ever go outside).

You frantically clamor for the F9 key when something cool happens in front of you in real life.

You can do a PERFECT imitation of the announcer, Xan and Male AND Female voices, and quote them often.

Everytime a plane goes over head you duck around a corner to dodge death by tactical nuke.

You get pissed off because none of the lesbian porn you just downloaded stars Ivana.

You run around the office looking searching for biospooge ammo to donate to your boss in hopes that you can gain freedom. Slavemaster anyone?

You order Health Vials at McDonald's instead of Big Macs

There is a mean butt print in the chair in front of your computer

You forgot what your family looks like, so you just picture them as UT characters

You make UT character shapes out of your mash potatoes.

You have pit stains in your arm pits.....from last weeks game of UT.

You make your house in UnrealEd.

Your neighbors move because they're tired of hearing "DIE BITCH!"

You're on your third mouse pad and it's only been a week since you got your first one.

Instead of walking down stairs you jump down and quickly look around.

You move into a bigger place just to have LAN parties.

You're at a job interview and all you can think to ask is "Do you play UT?"

You have a toilet built into your chair in front of your comp so no one takes the flag while you're in the washroom.

You close your eyes you still see UT playing.

You make sweet love to the UT......forget it.

You grab your right ear when you talk.

You wish your milk came from Nali War Cows

You run home from work backwards, to make sure your tail is clear.

You wake up in the morning you "moo" instead of yawn.

You survive on your own spit so you dont have to leave your computer.

You deleted Microsoft Office and McAfree(on your work computer) so UT would fit

You stole RAM out of Gateway's display computers to run UT

You wish every game had a "UT" mod

You think Predator's invisible mode is a copy off of UT Invisibility

You think Quake 1/2/3's Quad Damage is a copy off of UDamage

You considered deleting Windows so UT would fit

You wonder why the police don't carry Impact Hammers instead of stun-guns

You have smashed serveral keyboards in frustration after losing at UT

You go to church and say "What a copy off of UT's training map!"

The UT theme becomes your favorite song

You write lyrics for every UT song

You buy the autographed copy of UT on ebay, regardless of cost

You dress up as the Nali War Cow for Halloween

You try to run UT on a Dreamcast

You try to run UT on an N64

You try to run UT on a Playstation

You run up to every person you see and SCREAM! MOUHAGA!! MOUHAGA!!

You assault anyone and everyone that says UT is rubbish, including Lennox Lewis.

You try to create an emulator for the Palm Pilot so you can take your fragging on the road

Your desktop shortcut for UT is worn out and fading

Other shortcuts on your desktop start accumulating dust and cobwebs

You carry around a flag sticking out of your backpack and is illuminated by neon lights

Your dog runs around with a rocket launcher strapped to its back

Your Desktop has 2 icons. Unreal Tournament, and the My Computer icon that has been renamed to "Wouldn't you rather play Unreal Tournament?".

You work at McDonalds once a week to pay for twinkies, vodka, and to pay your ISP.

You get fired from that job for saying things like "I am the alpha and the omega, may I take your order?" & "You are obsolete, but would you like to try our chicken finger combo anyway?".

While hunting for a new job, you put on your resume: ability to circle strife & able to perform shock combo while on the move.

After you quit UT, you still hear the music and Nikita saying "Defend the Flag!", "Same Team Idiot!", "Get their flag!!"

You consider moving to Utah, so you can have "UT" in your mailing address.

You try to walk forwards in real life, your middle finger moves to press the W key.

As above, you push the imaginary mouse forward to look up.

You look around in a room full of people and wonder exactly how much damage you could do with a full minigun. Or a flak cannon! Yeah...just imagine...they'd all just be mown down.... Anyway....

After a rocket launcher monster-kill jumpy-spin rocket jump whilst navigating CTF-LavaGiant backwards with 2 health, flag in hand, you realise you are standing up, red-faced, snorting like a bull. You slowly sit down, cap the flag, and try to regain some level of dignity. (Translation: The adrenaline gets to you)

While walking around (real life again), your imaginary HUD informs you that someone has your flag, and, to the bewilderment of all around, you start searching for them.

Your hands are in permanent keyboard/mouse shapes.

You seriously consider writing a Nali/English dictionary. (Now there's a challenge.)

You set up a match with ten Novice Warcow bots, just to see them go moo.

You get some clay and a Stanley knife and try to literally become a Skaarj Hybrid. Very painful and ultimately impossible. Do not try.

You wonder if it's time for a game of Quake III Arena.

The only 2 words in your vocabulary (must have spelled that wrong) are "Die" and "Bitch"

You occasionally wonder why ur headed for the escalator, instead of just jumping onto the railing, then dropping to the lower level ten feet down.

You keep wondering, "the architecture in here is so complex. Why isn't the framerate dropping?"

You run up to a bunch of construction workers and ask, "Where's your impact hammers???"

You strap a WebCam onto a bottle rocket, just to get the feeling of a redeemer

You tie some scraps of metal to your dog and change his name to Warcow

You stick UT in a playstation trying to get it to work

You squeeze some RAM into a playstation, thinking thats the reason why its not working.
It actaully WORKS

Your about to have sex with your girl friend, and you yell, "Im in position!!"

You look for the T key everytime you want to talk to someone...

You sell your car just to get that little extra RAM for those little extra FPS...

Instead of saying "Hi" you say "Qu'pada!" everytime someone greets you...

You name your bots after you friends so you'll feel like you have a social life.

You know the meaning of every single clan tag in the world, $GB$,[C1],[Ci],[NBK] etc.

You try and learn how to stick rocket launchers, shock rifles, mini guns, ammo, a chainsaw, and an impact hammer in your pocket all at the same time, and you just cant get how you can in the game.

You do the hump everytime something good happens!

You call all your friends and arrange a true to life Hump fest (The taunt, dummy!)

Everytime you respond to anything you say "Roger that!"

Your refrigerators next to your computer.

You goto the gun store looking for a green autopistol
You look for two of them

While bar hopping in Georgetown, D.C. you run down an alley convinced there is a domination control point somewhere at the end

You visit Buckingham palace and wonder where all of the lava went to

You wonder why NASA even bothers with space suits

At the public pool you repeatedly dive into the deep end to look for the redeemer that you *know* is down there

You think CliffyB should run for president.

You downloaded so many maps, your UT directory takes up 10GB.

You have made all the sounds from UT into wav files and put them on your work laptop, so every time you make a sale your laptop squawks MONSTER KILL

You try to explain to someone about that "feeling of running into base with the flag" and they look at you like you're smoking crack

You avoid recreational drug use, since you'd hate for it to "affect your reflexes"

Your friends ask you to go camping with them and you get offended that they'd think you'd do something like that

You start a multiplayer game so "the bots can have some excercise"

Your 1 1/2 year old daughter smiles at things, u automatically say ur one and only taunt: "You like that?"

Your History teacher mentions Operation Overlord you have flashbacks!

You're walking down your college campus and start imagining possible places where a redeemer or a shield belt may be hidden or weather or not they are accessible by jump boots.

You play UT to actually relieve stress.

You forget how to play "politics" at work and only wish you could Insta-Gib.

You forget you really can't jump 20 feet.

and once you have jumped you forget you can't steer.

Real life doesn't seem as real as UT

The server admin is your best friend

Your resume starts off with "excellent teamworker, ranked 153 Quarterly CTF."

and ends with "excellent problem solver, when given the proper resources (redeemer)."

You pull off the name tag from your office door and replace it with your UT nickname

Redeemer University Yearbook
" Party on guys! Schwantzing Matilda for 25 years now with loving partner in alternative relationship. Varsity Tiddleewinks and Cross Country. Favorite song: Lady in Red, by Chris de Burgh. Never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to d0nce, lookin for a little rom0nce. Favorite place: the loft in Deck16. Hold this position! Hobbies: Building as many high-end computers as possible in order to run Linux."
aka "Angry Cross-Dresser." Interrupts "hobby" of Internet board posting with brief periods of employment as "teachur." Under guise of teaching English disseminates subliminal messages in French, virtually all of which contain the word "ponce." Having been non-unexpectedly crushed by California living, is making transition to lovely Pacific northwest. Move allegedly has NO relationship to Seattle's significantly higher ponce concentration. Likes to talk, act, dress and think like a girl. But is no ponce. Really. No, really. Could I make this up?
Favorite movie: As confirmed by picture, "Deliverance." "You got a mighty purdy mouf there, mister."
Favorite song: "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. Close second: "I Have the Touch," by Peter Gabriel.
" A.K.A. The Herminator. I have come back in time from the Age of Machines to kill the son of Sarah Connor before he is born. Ahahahahha! I will burn you with my cpu heatsink (which runs at 70C). Hobbies: Running Redeemer Arenas, supervising neighborhood 13-year-olds, teaching Bible school at local "church" in Waco, Texas. Favorite hygienic activity: washing out the mouth with soap and water. Best romantic song: Sarah, by Starship. I came across time for you Sarah, I love you, I always have."
" Nicknames, Arkansas, Armadillo Boy. Best buddies with Roger Clinton. One of the old-school crew, and faithful to my original 28.8 modem. Still can kick your ass with laptop touchpad. Hobbies: armadillo-tipping, which is very tricky, as they are light sleepers. It's an art, really. Favorite song: Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree, by the Andrew Sisters."
"Got my name from ... well, uhh ... it's a long story. Erected first external SRA file-server, contained in basement of old university building. Fetishes: softcore Asian porno. Like surfing coupon pages on internet, have reputation for being a tight-ass. Am still trying to contact Ass-Assassin. Why won't you return my emails? I'm a nice single guy from Australia -- you know -- 'Down Under'."
NAME: SKANK "Original SRA Pervert. Contractor, constructor, redeemer. Occasional mob liaison. First to make love to a Nali Cow in the Hills of Ariza. Voted Most LIkely to Make Transformation. Immediately moved to Bay Area. Best dessed as Conni and Asia Carrerra. Something woke you, didn't it? Was it a dream? What was it? You still wake up sometimes, don't you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs?"
"For good luck rub my tummy. One of the original SRA crew. Once a guider, always a guider. Find a box! Four nobles truths of Evil Buddhism: 1. Life is suffering. Also known as 'Dukkie.' 2. You suffer, because you want my missiles. Translated: 'Somewilldieya.' 3. I can end your suffering. 'Nirodha.' 4. Come out from behind that box. Eat the missile; become the missile; enter the peace that passeth understanding. Shantih, shantih, shantih."
" Gunter glieben glauchen globen I got something to say -- it's better to burn out ... Yeah, than fade away! Hobbies: driving in my car with my wireless-modem laptop with the GPS tracking watching myself driving in my car with my ... wait a minute!!! Also enjoy talking to strange Canadian men on ham radio. Did you ever see Frequency with Dennis Quaid? Awesome movie, my favorite! Best song, besides Def Leppard's Rock of Ages: 99 Luftballoons! Yeah!!!"
" A.K.A. Glider, because of majority holdings in AstroGlide. Use it primarily for polishing my handlebars. Like to ride my Harley to the local leather bar on Friday nights, where I impersonate a Faceless Lady. Seriously though, in my day job I'm a Dell Canada service representative. Fluent in French, specializing in ticklers. Voted most likely to become a lumberjack. Favorite Singer: Celine Dion. 'These Are Special Times.'"
" N6NU lookalike. Engineered by Oscar Goldman. Was supposed to be a fembot. GPS-tracking on underwater naval vessels. What's long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine, hahaha! Have lifelong love of torpedoes. Anchors away, my boys, anchors away! Other favorite song: In the Navy, by the Village People. Hobbies: Anything involving duct tape and other sailors."
" A.K.A. 'A Wicken by any other name.' Admin of Missile Madness and Chair of Backup Redeemer Studies. Favorite cheer: 'Hoosier Daddy?' Go Indiana! Hobbies: Driving to nearby Martinsville to burn Wicken symbols in front yards of local KKK. Favorite Band: U2. Listen to that bass player jam! The trench is dug within our hearts ... And Hermskii, Schwantz, and NM, Scify blown apart ... Monday Bloody Monday!"
" A.K.A. 'God Fodder,' head Washington State branch of New Jersey Mob. As my picture reveals, I indulge in auto-erotic asphyxiation. Motto: 'Don't forget to bite the lemon!' Hobbies include North-American jurisprudential extortion and edible grass-donation to the needy. Best song: Blame It on the Rain, by Milli Vanilli. Cuz I'm in love with you girl!"
" Did you see me in Trekkies? Yes that was me! Star Trek Nation, yeah! 'I have, and always shall be, your friend!' Voted Most Likely to Translate Klingon. First committed girl Redeemer player, besides Kitter and Kiki. Will absolutely not perform unmentionables with Nalicows in Deck16 rafters! Deep down everyone's Ferengi!"
" I frag you because you hate our freedom. Perfected the run-and-gun technique, both in UT and at the shooting range with MetalMan (as a target). Voted Most Likely to Go Both Ways -- Mac and PC. Have overclocked my I-Book with special $4,000 daughterboard. Favorite Song: Dixie. I wish I was in land ob cotton, Old times dar am not forgotten, Look away! Look away! Look away!"
" . -- OK, I'll say more. Old-time SRA member. Perfected gameplay on 28.8 modem on Apple IIc. Sculptor, hunter, and part-time member of PETA. Card-carrying member of Misanthropes Anonymous. The only higher power in my missile coming down on your head! Latest project: recreating a Robert Smithson piece with buckshot and uranium. Keep getting surprise visits from FBI. Favorite song: What's Love Got To Do With It, by Tina Turner."
" Was really into 80s glam-rock until someone beat me up for it. Immediately turned to heavier metal. And nuclear weapons. Hobbies: Smokin in the boys' room. Let's get wild wild wild! Met my wife Hottie at an air guitar contest. I took first place with a great Van Halen solo. Still, I do have a softer side. Favorite song: Tearin Up My Heart, by NSync."
" A.K.A. Slayed's Bitch, Princess of Pain. Voted Most Likely to Drive a TransAm. Haha -- you suckers! I drive a Camaro!!! Metal to the pedal and pedal to the metal!!! Yeeehaw! Vice President for AOL Instant Messenger, Recruiting Officer for SRA/CG. I'm hot and I flirt, but be careful because Slayed will kill you!"
" Favorite Band: Suicidal Tendencies. Favorite Tendency: Suicidal. Only one to break 1000 deaths on DM_Crane. In love with Clem, who is also self-destructive. Graduated from high school fast in order to get away from a$$holes, and now, guess what? I have to look at them for a living! Yes, I am young, budding proctologist. Favorite punchline: 'Well doc, if your right hand is on my right shoulder, and your left hand is on my left shoulder, how the hell are you administering the rectal?"
" A.K.A. YoUrPoNcE. Two lovely English guys told me so. Hobbies: pr0n and warez distribution. Best song: Venus, by Bananarama! Oh yeah! Burnin like a silver flame! In spare time, like to hold tournaments (sometimes in bathtub), and build computers. I'm your fire, talk desire!"
" Contrary to popular belief, my name actually comes from my sartorial preference for women's kapri pants. Am having a leather pair made for motorcycle-riding. Also enjoy Capri cigarettes, especially while sitting my bike with my Ray-Bans on. Appropriately, I love both Macs and PCs. Favorite TV show: Airwolf, starring Jan Michael Vincent. Don't you just love that guy?!"
" A.K.A. The Jerkonaut. Founder of DuranDuran Tribute Orchestra named Poetic Jargon. 'Cuz I'm hungry like the wolf!' Yeah! Official SRA/CG strategist. No.. no.. notorious! Yeah! Current projects: fixing hole in roof from tree that fell during last major storm. Was playing UT at the time using bicycle-powered generator. Let's rock! Wild Boys, Wild! (wild)
Boys! (boys)!"
" It's a three-way or the freeway! Favorite map: Pyramid.
2K3 enthusiast and part-time inventor. Have original idea to build a teleportation device out of two pods. The monkey seemed to go through ok. I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over and the insect is awake. Oops, did I just say that

Old-school Goth extraordinaire. Top graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. Doctorate in Medieval Metaphysics. Voted most likely to takeover Hell. Hobbies include: Quidditch, Necromancy, Voodoo, and drinking blood. Favorite songs: "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult and "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones.

" Often mistaken for astrophysicist, but really enjoy more terrestrial forms of darkmatter ... Playing from Northern England. Enjoy sailing up to Scotland and teasing the locals by pretending to be a Yah. Have secret haggis fetish -- just love it when it's soft and steaming. No, not for eating... Favorite song: Right Here Right Now, by Jesus Jones."
Poetic Redemption Cafe

There once was a player named Schwantz,
Whose manner was that of a ponce,
He dressed like a chick
With a very small d/ck
Lookin for a little romance.


There once was a server in Texas
Whose matches attracted both sexes
The players decided
That Mahatma's divided
South of her large solar plexus.



A dominatrix there was from Seattle
Who was classically trained in nuke battles
She could wield the transloc
With the best of the folk
But she spanked with an old-fashioned paddle.


Web-designing is best on a MAC,
By Naughtius, New Jersey's mack.
The slave-gladiator
Now master-bater
Shined his Apple and never looked back.



There was a young poet named Yikes
Who fingered the hole of a dyke.
The dyke of the heart
Dripped waters of art
Dammed up with his lyrical pike.


There was a young German N6
Who courted Inspector Hans Blix
When the old Swede discovered
Tanner's weapon uncovered
He reported the schnitzel and dix.



There's a player who stuffs armadillos
After smothering them with a pillow.
His collection's disgusting,
The young dillos, too trusting,
That's what geritol does to a fellow.


There was a young lawyer named Fod
Who spoiled his wife by sparing the rod.
If only he'd spanked
Instead of just wanked
He'd be happier blowing his wad.



There was blond hotty, BlondeHottie,
Who punished with looks and her body.
When push came to shove,
It was nuclear love
That she dealt to the dudes that were naughty.


Jarg was a player who sang
Like a man with a very big wang
He put on the Ritz
Like a guy with big titz
But squirted in whimpers not bangs.



There was a young doctor Bengali
Who procto-ed the Skarj and the Nali.
Hippocrates said
Lie face-down in her bed
For taking it standing is folly.


There once was a Biker named Nameless
Who in matters of missiles was blameless.
But in matters of dress
His buddies confessed
If he wore fewer studs he would flame less.
And the leather chaps didn't help much either.



Mahatma’s the subject of this rhyme.
Killing newbies is known as his crime.
Though one of the pros
No one really knows
If Mah sits down or stands up at piss time.


There was an old pervert named Skank
Who went to Ariza to wank.
To his great delight
There were cows left and right.
Chewing cud and exposing some flank.


There was a young lady named Sci
Who hired the machinist named Tri.
She whispered in Klingon
What to weld the huge thing on:
They were building a missile to fly.


Mahatma, a poet of great renown
So well known for his clever put-downs
Has lambasted us all
With such verbage and gall
That this thread is one that he owns

Nameless Entity


There once was a player named Max,
Who styled but was lacking in facts.
His expensive white screen
Showed strong hues of green,
Yet his playing looked better on Macs.


There once was a guy named Dark Matter
Who got off to the sound of the splatter
He lobbed from the Isle
with a very big smile
leaving opponents in tatters.