Ok found this thought i would post it for ya all
:lol: :shock:
Dark :twisted:
P.S i changed the bit at the bottom so it can work for all countries.

if under 18 do not read you have been warned











LITTLE BILLY

Little Billy was in his Nursery class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Billy was
being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his
father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out
to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the a*se."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in
and took little Billy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your
father?"

"No," said Billy, "he really plays for (insert crap sports team here) , but I was too
embarrassed to say"

lol dark funny

my turn i got one

Smart First Grader
>
>A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students.
>
>The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
>
>Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
>
>Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>
>While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.
>
>The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
>
>She agreed.
>
>Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
>
>Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>
>Harry: "9".
>
>Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>
>Harry: "36".
>
>And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
>
>The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."
>
>Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
>
>The principal and Harry both agreed.
>
>Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
>
>Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>
>The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
>
>Harry replied: "Pockets."
>
>Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
>
>Harry: "Pants"
>
>Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
>
>Harry: Coconut.
>
>The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>
>Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
>
>The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
>
>Harry: Bubble gum
>
>Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?"
>
>Harry: "Shake hands."
>
>The principal was trembling.
>
>Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?
>
>Harry: "Firetruck"
>
>The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
>


i thought this was funny
hottie

ps sorry it's so long

A handsome young couple decided they would vacation at a nudist resort. While there, their six year old son noticed that most of the other men were not as well hung as his father. When he asked his father why this was so, his dad replied that men like himself were smart, and that the others were dummies.

A day or two later, the father asked his young son if he knew where his mother was. "Yes" he replied, "she's over there in the bushes." "She was talking to a dummy, but boy! He was getting smarter all the time!"

lol :lol:

Our father, who art in Redmond
Microsoft be they name
Thy monopoly come, thy will be done
throughout the earth as it is in the US.

Give us this day, our daily license activation key
And forgive us our bug reports
as we forgive our system crashes
And lead us not into competition
But deliver us from innovation
For thine is the Control, and the Power and the Greed
Forever. Amen.
:twisted:

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly
from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute...
" Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating
the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
______________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
_______________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night,
staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and says,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit
a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little
tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead
bodies for the last 25 years."

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Sorry had to post this one
Dark :twisted:

p.c users beware you have been warned :shock: :P




Microsoft defeating the Borg


Picard
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker
puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data
turns to answer "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . .

Data
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." "Wait, Captain; I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard
"Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard
"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker
"Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard
"How much time will that buy us ?"
Data
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard
"Identify."
Data
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together
(horrified) "Lawyers !!"
Geordi
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data
"True, but appearently some must have survived."
Riker
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

I would normally not even read such a long post but that was certainly worth it. Do it again! Do it again!!!! Thanks.

yea when i saw it i thought it better be worth it and it was glad you liked it
Dark :twisted:

Sadly, I'm a total Trekie (capitalized) but I don't dress up like one or go to conventions and stuff. I could actually envision the whole skit. It was wonderful and yet dumb like the virus beating the invading ships in the movie "Idependance Day" Good thing that alien ships have USB ports and use apple sofware that they forgot to update against human virus'. That's not a crack on apple computers, just that in movies, it seems that's what the computer of choice is. Pickard Rules! Great skit and please send more trekie stuff as you find it. Later!

ohhh star trek ermm how many *darkmatter* nebulae do they explore on there guess where i got the name unfortunatly scifi scify was already in use and i kinda liked the darkness of the name went with the skins i used and yea i dont own a suit but got the films and some of the series and other stuff so another trekster here
Dark :twisted: :lol:

Q: What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

A: They both get rid of the Klingons from Uranus.


Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet.

A: The Captain's Log.

ok had these sent to me by friend
see what you think
Dark :twisted: :razz:

THE TOP TEN CHANGES IF STARFLEET HAS SPONSORS

O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter.
When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly."

Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the
Next Generation."

Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner.

Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System.

Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator.

Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section.

Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs.

Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign.

After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T."

Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise.


THE TOP 12 WAYS TO ANNOY A TREKKER

12. Paint his Spock ears red for that "embarrassed Vulcan" look.

11. Interrupt James Doohan's convention speech by shouting, "Beam me up,
Tubby!"

10. Tell her you've seen butthair more realistic than Kirk's toupee.

9. Tell him that it sounds like his Geo Metro's antimatter injection tubes are
out of phase balance with the warp coils, then watch him go nuts trying to run
a level one diagnostic.

8. Wear the Star Fleet badge upside down and loudly proclaim, "I am the
Anti-Kirk!"

7. Point out that asking a women if she fancies a Romulan ale whilst wearing
your Klingon head prosthetic and ill-fitting Federation Uniform is a terrible
way to pull chicks.

6. Ask him why the phrase "gettin' to third base" is curiously absent from his
Klingon glossary.

5. Tell him that in a parallel universe, women don't get nauseous at the sight
of him.

4. Constantly remark that the relationship between Spock and Kirk has definite
homosexual overtones.

3. Say "Captain, I'm sensing a profound feeling of... geekiness.

2. Haul him into to court and threaten to end his virtual monopoly on PC
operating systems.

1. When she asks if you'd like fries with that, reply, "Make it so"